Things I've learned from 'Reality' TV

(and no, I'm not calling it 'unscripted')

1. Girls mature faster than boys. Case in point: Audrina and JustinBobby. He can't decide on a first name, need I say more?
Ok, I will. He belches (on a date, out in public), he speaks in Jim Morrison-isms (or wannabe Morrison-isms), he doesn't wear a helmet when he rides his motorcycle, and he doesn't like to kiss. WTF? (Forgive me if I'm wrong, but if PRETTY WOMAN is the arbiter of truth (and why wouldn't it be?) I thought that no-kissing rule usually only applied to prostitutes!?)

2. When you live in "The Hills" of LA, all you want for Christmas is faux snow at the Grove and a real Chanelhandbag (and not the reverse).

3. The kids on Real World (kids these days!) are illiterate. I have never, not once, in one ep ever seen one of them pick up anything and read it. Not a book, not a newspaper, not a magazine, not the back of a cereal box. Nada. Note to MTV: you wanna really shake things up? Limit the bar hopping and force all the brats to read Tolstoy. Then have roommate discussions. (Instead of Trisha biyatch-shoving Parisa, she'd yell: "My semiotic, structural critique beats your sorry a-s feminist analysis of Anna Karenina, biyatch!") Hijinks ensue.

4. If you're a do-nothing, two-faced, lazy-a-s stranded on an island, align with the most powerful dude and promote yourself as a non-threat, lame duck. Guaranteed to make top four and the winner will still receive only a million dollars. (I live in LA where you can't even get a dumpy condo for that much and writers who make thousands on TV shows call themselves "middle-class." Which they are in LA. It's the second gilded age.)

5. Who woulda thunk a bunch of over-tanned and over-sexed O.C. Housewives make having money look bad. Yes, I never thought I'd say it but it has come to this. They make having money (or cabbage or mazuma or...) look bad. (and not bad a-s, just bad as in, man, they suck!).

6. Invariably in any race around the world when you get to an airport, you will slow down and everyone will catch up to you as you argue with apathetic, glossy-eyed imbeciles who just can't seem to press enter on the keyboard fast enough to secure your reservation.

7. I wanna live at Run's House.

8. And if "God is love" (which I agree) then God must be the hot Mexican guy who visited me in my dreams last night. Seriously! He wore a black turtleneck sweater and he looked good.

9. Now that THE OFFICE is dark, I miss the writers!

10. All I want for X-mas is for the strike to end.

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